GLOBAL VERY WARMING

Dear all

Whew! Sitting now in air conditioned global warming comfort it’s a bit hard to believe this weeks heatwave conditions and their effect on work life at the big B.

Low to mid thirties this week most days with no variation between night and day made it an uncomfortable week even for those with nothing better to do than to lounge by the pool sucking on a mint dulip. Nigel* knows what it got up to today but I can give a first hand report on the Bunnings republic. All days since Wednesday were declared at least partially as apron free though Dolly (Dolinda to her mum and dad) flexing her 'senior for the day' muscle declared early Friday that “aprons are to be worn” and proceeded that afternoon to collapse with heat stroke, double vision etc. after the office’s overworked air conditioning carked it mid morn. Dolly, sweet and rumoured to be pregnant, finds she has unresolved authority issues which she tries to appease with stupid demands and one of those amplified exhaust systems of her duf-duf jap semi sports car. Shes OK.

Despite the heat, the beckoning surf, the pool and festival of Sydney school holiday nature of the times customers flocked in, with their bright pink babies and tomato tight toddlers puffed and teary to be carried by mum, no not dad, yes dad, no mum. Fans and air conditioners were a top priority and the likely models sold out early leaving only the dregs for the stoics or otherwise compromised and sleepless who held out till today. As I left this afternoon it looked very much like the remaining stock was being auctioned to the highest bidder and even almost empty boxes with remnant styrene packaging were drawing interest if only for their printed promise. Air cond. accessories, extensions for the waste hot air ducts, that must be diverted via some convenient orifice to the outdoors, and orifice adaptors which seal orifices to any other than outgoing airs were poorly catered for and look very much like a market niche to me not only for my pleasure in the word orifice.

Add to this niche any fly/mosquito mesh adaptation you can imagine and you’ll make a motza. I never realised how effective sleep deprivation was as a marketing tool till I met all these folk who seemed to think that the certainty of water boarding would be preferable to the irrationalities of that mosquito buzz. The popularity of sleeping pills and anti depressant should have tipped me to this market a long time ago when I was in business with Kenny Plosions who would easily have devised a plastic inflatable window seal for awning, hopper or double hung windows with air cond exhaust (um orifice) incorporated. All the better that it would deteriorate in UV over a few seasons and need replacement; after all how long is the modern, “o honey they all rust but the motor will die long before that” consumer expectation anyway? Well a lifetime guarantee I’m sure.

Grumpy levels rose on both sides of the hypothetical counter. It took all my reserves of self control not to backchat customers who felt the heat was exclusively their problem, like a bad back or ingrown toe nail, as they stood downwind blocking the breeze from fans team members had liberated for their own comfort. These fans themselves were an added aggravation to some who pointedly wanted one just like that, and in fact why not that and at a discount, for its now second handedness and lack of packaging. Why certainly of course madam, and since you have come out at such great personal expense, will you be waiting for the show at eleven when I personally melt for your pleasure?

To add to my personal discomfort, the juvenile cockroaches who have taken up residence in my car decided to quench their thirst on my sweat as I took my customary lunch time nap today. I dislodged many from legs arms and armpits and spent the rest of the day with discomforting irritations around the crotch.

Hope you all had a more pleasant week or if not that I will hear some detail to compare.

Love and Blessings,

Well you know


Some pulse; mouth to mouth considered


No pulse; RIP


Rich pickings for the post Christmas street disposal photographer

The Itinerary

In contrast to Euro chill, heat here waves from 40 degrees one day to low twenties and back the next. Well paid cricketers struggle, fail or survive and all of us bear up to the dismal headlines of broken infrastructure, banks and child care providers. In this light I thought it appropriate to bring to you some of the lite side of life as reported by our local bulletins.

First off and delightful to one such as I who has little respect for the Royal Rum Corps also known as the NSW Police, I relate the case of Detective Inspector Dobbins (name changed not to protect anything other than my bad memory) a three times the limit passenger when he arrived at MacDonald’s Brookvale. Completely in form he transferred to the driver seat to flash his police badge and receive the discount that was his due. He then proceeded to the pick up window where he thought it prudent to hand over control of the vehicle to his partner. Alighting to the fresh air he experienced that heady feeling we all know so well and took several sideways steps before correcting and over correcting to end arse up in a hedge. Alarmed staff alerted two constables who were dining within and our Detective Inspector’s Goose, just like his meat patty, was cooked. Was it worth it I want to ask though of course I can’t unless he happens on this blog. I shall instead salute the two young constables who if they still have jobs are now the most reviled in the force.

Next comes the good news in a report compiled from a taskforce created by forty nine US state attorney- generals that the internet may not be such a dangerous place for children after all. On line predators and paedophiles are not nearly as net savvy as peer bullies who turn out to be the real problem. It’s doubtful though that Senator Conroy or his boss Mr. Budd will have noticed this and take it into consideration as they flail about in their own anti porn fetish world.

Best of all was the news of the batch of two headed bass in the Noosa River recently. Unfortunately they survived only 48 hours after hatching, frustrating my deal with the Chinese who were very interested. Scientists are however heartened and are still working toward the two bodied fish which holds promise to alleviate the world food crisis. Their motto: ‘anything Jesus can do we can do better’ has now become a mantra for many on the African continent.

Last (I hear a collective sigh of relief) and on a more personal level we salute the Google boys on the release of Google Masterpiece on Google Earth. Now it is no longer necessary for me to take a not long enough too expensive holiday with Alice through Europe this Sept-Oct (see following detail) Of course there’s a way to go yet till they come up with Google taste, Google smell and Google Atmosphere but at least I can view Google masterpiece. No queues no entrance fee, no distance from my own fridge with my own bottle of bubbles. Can you bring your own bubbles to the Louvre? It’s a good idea isn’t it.

Anyway here for your comments is the itinerary for our oh so soon to be booked and paid for big adventure. If you wish to advise or critique do so post haste for these things once set in motion have a life of their own. I don’t suppose we can expect any help or encouragement from Kev but I will be writing to Gordon Brown and Silvio Berlusconi who looks like my type of guy, Queen Beatrix, Jos’e Luis Rodriguez Zapatero who will be like kin if he’s anything like his late American cousin Frank, Nic Sarkosy and wives, C’ecilia and Carla Bruni, both listed in little black book, requesting patronage. Cant but help to pull in obligations in situations like these don’t you think? I’ll welcome connections to Dukes, Duchesses, Barons, Baronesses, Princes or paupers, anyone you may think will be charmed by my “lets have another drink, your shout” clever repartee.

By the way, those of you already resident in The UK please ignore my previous reference to Gordon Brown. I have no intention or desire to have anything to do with that Scottish Stoat and have in fact some excellent royal relations in Queenie Cat and Countess Kell already embedded (if that’s not too suggestive a term)

My apologies,

Auntie

Alice and Roberts Big adventure

September
24. - Bangkok
25. - Bangkok
26. - London (jet lag)
27. - London
28. - London
29. - Amsterdam (Two hour flight)
30. - Amsterdam

October
1. - Amsterdam
2. - Paris (Four-hour train)
3. - Paris
4. - Treviso (Venice) (Two-hour flight)
5. - Treviso
6. - Florence (Three-hour train)
7. - Florence
8. - Florence
9. - Naples (Four-hour train)
10. - Naples
11. - Naples (Positano?)
12. - Naples (Positano?)
13. - Rome (Two-hour train)
14. - Rome
15. - Seville via Madrid (three-hour flight + two-hour train)
16. - Seville
17. - Seville
18. - Cordoba
19. - Cordoba
20. Cordoba
21. - Granada
22. - Granada -
23. - Barcelona
24. - Barcelona
25. - Barcelona
26. - London
Alice only from here , Robert returns to Sydney via Bangkok
27. - New York
28. - New York
29. - New York
30. - New York
31. - Flight
November
1 – Sydney
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT
I should take this opportunity to alert you all to the start of this years party season on the occasion of my family day on the eighth of February. You know the place and the time, now you know the date.
Someone was going to make a list of these events. Does anyone know anything about this?



Next door neighbour, ex antique dealer has obviously been stealing stuff from Easter Island, or maybe he’s just a ‘big Simpsons’ fan.

Social Science; 1.2

Dear Pets,

Oh my poor darlings. What was it like to arrive at Heathrow into the teeth of a blizzard? I do hope you were travelling prepared with spencers, long socks, cardie etc. Its our fault I know, on Wednesday we were using all the worlds available heat to try to scorch a saving grace win out of those South Africans. That nasty Mr. Putin should share the blame though. Turning off the gas to eastern Europe wasn’t nice.

So much for your problems, now what about me. Since you all have returned to the excitement of the UK leaving only the detritus of Christmas and New Year, without any expectation of a rerun within the foreseeable future, I have had to return to the drudgery of work. Can you possibly see how the prospect of another year at Bunnings rates in contrast to, well who knows how long in one of the worlds capitals, and on the doorstep of many others? I’ll bet London doesn’t even have a stupid Bunnings.

Sorry about that hissy fit. I’m alright now. It’s good to get things off your chest don’t you think? Anyway I just remembered that Alice, the good looking girl from the wedding CD, which does in fact have excellent sound, is planning to take me to all the afore mentioned capitals and more later this year. In fact I’ve just now read an email from my darling with a prospective itinerary suggesting many such places including Amsterdam, Paris, Florence, Venice, Rome, Barcelona, Madrid, Seville and of course London where I believe we will be sharing beds with you pets in scenes reminiscent of Oliver Twist. He! He!

In light of this prospect I feel much better and find it hard to understand the attitude displayed in the second paragraph above. Perhaps there’s a moral to be derived here regarding the power of anticipation that could go something like this.

Any event in our history could be divided roughly into three phases.
1. The anticipatory
2. The actuality
3. The reminiscent
To all of these phases a value could be applied but this value would be tempered by time.
The anticipatory phase can be long or short to the extent of miniscule as in the case of an earthquake.
The actuality will never be more nor less than the time it takes.
The reminiscent will be as long as is memory.

No event is separate from these three parts and our enjoyment of any event is divided between the three. Anticipation can be the best of an event but seldom the longest. Actualisation is usually to fast, holds the potential to be the best or the worst and is the essential phase without which the other phases cannot exist. It should be noted that even cancellation of actualisation is in fact actualisation. The reminiscent is usually the longest phase and has the potential to become better over time even in the case of bad actualisation.

That’s enough of this lecture for now but any of you wishing to join the course this semester should send your applications with educational details and $149.99 registration fee (GST Inc.) ASAP in order that I can finalise the anticipation of the actualisation of my afore mentioned European trip.

Little left now than to reminisce and how better than to do it in pictures

Beat Regards,

Aunty BAD. ABBA. ToBA. SOCCA. Ret.






Kelly (Paris) O’Keefe and her body guard Mart attempt to ward off paparazzi.


PRIMATES AT PLAY: Grandmother nurtures the latest arrival while Jack treats one of the elders to some grooming.


I can’t explain the compulsion to put the following two pictures together



The glow in this photo taken westward from McMahons Point on Boxing Day is believed to be that of the remnant party at Rae Road Epping

2008 THE LIST

Oh no! Do I have to go through all this again


Dear Family,

I’ve tried to ignore it, I haven’t turned on television, but my penchant for papers makes it o so obvious that it is list writing time and the most important of the lists is of course that of family achievements.

At first glance Kelly would appear to have gazumped all, if not only with her massive global carbon foot print to which no challenger comes close, then with her triumphant return to family, with partner Mart, for Christmas. Just to remind you Kell started 2008 in New York, travelled to Stockholm in February, then conservatively restricted herself to St Georges Cathedral Windsor Castle and the Cotswolds in March, Milton Keynes in April, Ireland in May, North Devon in June, Croatia in July, Thailand in August which left her exhausted and glad to stay home in September and October before setting off for Berlin in November and Dublin and Belfast in December. All this capped by the afore mentioned triumphant return leaves none of us wondering why she needs all those facials and health spar chill out time. Did I forget anything Kell?

The only competitors to this sort of punishing regime were:

The Nomads who though they may seem to have led a more sedentary year in far North Queensland with side trips to the centre for musters, did join Kell a and extensive members of Sue’s family for the exhausting Thailand trip.

Cat went to London where she is perpetuating the age old Australian tradition of showing the locals how things are done. I shouldn’t be surprised if she became the first Australian Prime Minister of Great Britton. She has also returned for Christmas but sensibly partnerless.

Hugh who is only recently back from Hong Kong and Saigon where he was in attendance at a million dollar birthday party, makes me think that perhaps there should be a special category in this list for retired pensioners or at the very least a handicap system. It doesn’t seem fair to have to compete with those with so much youth on their side. Hugh gets his new office at Sydney University with his own computer soon so we expect to see his memoirs go ahead in leaps and bounds.

Chris P is based in Austria with Andrea and no doubt having great adventures which he is scrupulously recording for his um ‘book’ maybe. Very hush hush. Ah I shouldn’t be so hard on him he obviously has to learn and communicate in not only German but Austrian.

Then of course there is Stephen who though he has not travelled far this year has probably flown more often than any of us has or will ever in one year. Add to this his flight ex Broome to Sydney and back is unlikely to be done by any of us ever, or by him again and I see him gaining points. If this weren’t enough, what about the fact that he has held all his family days by himself for three years now and is still basically recognisable, not bad eh but I don’t feel that he has quite toppled Kelly. Perhaps if he’d had a few facials.

I don’t recall Ross and Anne going to any World Cup soccer finals in Brazil or nature walks across The Pyrenees this year, please correct me if I’m wrong. My guess is that they have spent the year studying empty nesting and trying to keep Matt out of jail. No that’s too harsh, even from me, and in fact Matt may have had an international carbon footprint of his own. Once again correct me if I’m wrong.

Alice and Jack who did so well last year have spent this one in consolidation Both have graduated; Jack as a master of Conflict Resolution (I think) and Alice as a Bachelor of Arts, Media Journalism (I also think) Alice continues to Sub for Women’s Health and for a considerable portion of the year ran the show. Jack is riding the corporate merry go round, is about to discard his second ring and has already caught the third which will provide him with more time to study for his law degree. Whew!

John ever so obviously flourishes in retirement on the central coast and is a walking talking advertisement for sobriety that we, no make that I, persist in ignoring. He’s not a contender, though he has become a keen daily cyclist.

Nor am I whose longest trip this year was by train to Johns family day. Most weeks I’d be lucky to cover fifty kilometres though I’m beginning to have an impressive walking rate. I don’t expect intergalactic or time travel in the mind counts for much in this contest.

Gabby and Adrian have set up a home of their own amongst the rif raf of DY where they flourish and having both completed their studies are about to enter the work force in their chosen fields. I have only a soft grasp of this but it seems that Adrian may already have a lifelong position constructing never to be completed or used railway stations for the NSW Government.

This has left Dot and Strobe as empty nesters a state which has done nothing to curb Strobes enthusiasm for additional living areas and ponds. For Dorothy a timely stroke of luck and some good management by Luke and Jamie has made her a grandmother and I’m sooo jealous.

This makes a nice segue into my pick for the winners of this so called competition Ta Ta! The Heggens, Luke Jamie and baby James have trounced you Kell. No particular mileage needed, nor carbon print, just a DNA link which judging from the result is as good as or better than ever.

Heres a toast with which I’m sure you all agree, the winner of this 2008 list. Long live Jameson Patrick Heggen I

Robert


Disclaimer: Please note that any incorrect or libellous statement contained herein is the fault of my researcher or ghost writer and not I whose only role is to profit from these editorials.