PARASITES COST By R.A. (Milton) O’Keefe

Wow! How many times a day can you go to the lav? How long is a piece of string?

Age, not content to humiliate me with grey (aka transparent) hair, pink to purple blotches and everlasting scabs on forearms and legs, lumps and growths under arm and betwixt bum cheeks and Nigel knows what on unseen back, has for the last three years subjected me to an annual bottom lip sting. That’s my mouth I’m talking about for those of you with imaginations faster than your reading skills. For three years now each February the centre of my lower lip has become a burning hellhole that requires the constant soothing of Luca’s Papaw Cream. How much more proof one would need of mortality I don’t know unless you were to count the following which thankfully has not yet become an annual event.

I hasten to warn that the following is rated MA and protest that it is here documented as my contribution to the evidential bank of scientific knowledge, rather than a blatant ploy to gain sympathy.

Some three months ago my as till now perfectly functional waste disposal unit (bowel I believe but I’m no doctor) began to malfunction. I remember a radio lecture, um maybe sound grab, after all I was able to follow it from start to finish so it cant have been too long, by my great friend the scientist Dr. Karl Krushilinski when he described the magnificence of the ‘bowel bladder human waste evacuation machine’. The machine that sorts waste product, just as Visy must do, into solids, liquids and gases and directs them to the appropriate orifice ( I do love that word but love of course is not scientific so I shall henceforth cease to make any reference to it) Now whilst my bladder is tolerably functional for a man of my age my bowel has completely lost the plot. Not entirely its fault I’m sure, its probably experiencing early bowel altimers, however whatever the cause it creates a great many difficulties.

Any expression of evacuation, some subconscious or even unconscious such as the wake up fart, can result in soiled underwear or worse. I can no longer piss as a gentleman does from a standing position without risking disaster. This necessitates a great deal of risk taking in public where I’m forced to use pans rather than my favoured bail. It would be no surprise to find I’m infected with some parasite bred by Bunnings in the hellhole they call our toilet. I’ve yet to make inquiries about adult nappies at the pharmacy and am reminded in this respect of my embarrassed inability as an adolescent to ask any pharmacist for prophylactics. I always knew that I would be unable to pronounce it and would speak so softly that I would be met by a series of ‘pardons’ and ‘whats’ compounding my embarrassment and pronunciation problems. When the time comes I shall certainly heed the lesson and go to an out of state pharmacy.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with what will no doubt become known as ‘my proctologist’ to get started on the round of tests and inspections his profession deal in. Perhaps my condition will gain a name that will be more socially acceptable than ‘something wrong with my bum’ on a doctor’s certificate.

In other good news, Alice is being sent to New York next month to represent her magazine at Oakley’s new sportswear launch. Four days in Soho with travel and keep for a fashion launch by a glasses company was an obvious call for a women’s health mag don’t you think? Well they all have women as part of their customer base don’t they. Alice has convinced her employer she should stay a couple more days to interview some top proctologists

That’s all now for you non readers, congratulations to you and Mart, Kell. I don’t wish to pressure but if you are marrying in the UK and you want me there, as of course you do, you’d better set a date for this October.

Love you all,

Robert





Alice kits up for those wet and frozen streets of New York……..At

I have fond memories of this building that used to be the nurses quarters for Prince Alfred Hospital when nurses were the acknowledged slaves of doctors. It seems wrong that it has been totally abandoned for years now.

I'm engaged!

Hi everyone

First let me thank everyone for all the engagement wishes on Facebook, phone calls, emails etc. Mart and I feel really overwhelmed!

I thought I better fill you all in on the details...

Mart and I were due to go to the champagne region in France on Friday to celebrate his Dad's 60th. We arrived early at St Pancras International station on Friday morning to meet the gang (28 in total) at the champagne bar before departing via Eurostar.

I was very surprised when Mart took me past the bar to the 'International kissing couple', a famous statue that was built when the station opened last year.





I should of known it was coming when he got down on bended knee at the pub a few weeks ago (I told him that drunk proposals don't count!), but I wasn't expecting it on Friday the 13th! I was so excited and emotional and of course... I said yes.



The ring (which Mart chose himself - I'm so impressed!) is beautiful. It's a Princess cut diamond set in a platinum band. Very simple and stylish. I can't stop looking at it!



The rest of the weekend was great fun. We drank lots of champagne and soaked up all the congrats from the party goers. It feels a little surreal but we're both mega happy.

I know some of you found out on Facebook - sorry for being so impersonal with my announcement - but it would have cost me a fortune to call you all! And I've got a wedding to pay for now!

Speaking of... we have no idea where / when / how we will get married and have decided we'll take some time getting used to being engaged before settling on any plans.

Lots and lots of love xxxx
Kel

Family Days

For those of you who need this, family days are as follows:
Feb 8 - Robert,
March 29 - Dot,
May 17 - Hugh,
July 12 - John,
September 13 - Luke and Jamie,
November 8 - Alice and Jack,
December 26 - you can guess where! hope you're having fun

Thanks to Anne via Face Book.

love Sue & Chris

Um

Dear Y’s

Whew! It’s hard to recognise today as a sibling of yesterday or her brothers and sisters of the last few weeks. Once, maybe twice I caught myself reaching for the cardie before getting a grip on the fact that low twenties was not cold in any respect other than in contrast to the almost forties.

That was Monday and now, Thursday, its still mostly bleak and certainly cool and I too have been sleeping under a doona. Sundays extreme predictions caused the extreme reaction of relocating my family day festivities from the exposure of the Warren View to the air conditioned comfort of the Livingston at Stanmore where we were accommodated in the almost private loft of the once stables / coachouse. The Livingston’s major features seems to be its multi levels (you go up or down stairs at every turn or room transfer), multi passageways (a third of the floor space seems devoted to hallways, wheelchair access and the like) and its miniature toilets. I certainly found no Gents that featured even a single bale urinal let alone a multi.

I missed the gen ‘y’ influence though Alice and Jack put up a good show and were bravely supported by Alices old pal and now inner west local, Katie, bless her soul. The ‘phone and wake a relative’ in distant cold climes entertainment went well except as I recall in the case of Cat who seemed to loose the connection. Thoughts of Cat were close in my mind as it seemed my last blog had provoked the type of hissy reaction I live (or blog) for. Your mum (Cat) confided that the fools you work for are blind to your world class and refuse to um, ratify your contract or something like that, yes I should take notes. Given the choice I would back you against them anytime and have included below signage that I feel speaks volumes. I should add here that Katie remembers you fondly.

At a personal level I achieved registration for my little bomb which has now cost me approximately $4,100 over two years and five months with the potential to provide another year at no more cost. This works out neatly $100 per month, petrol and oil not included which I suppose is cheap though it could seem extravagant when I consider that I could travel all week for $17.50 on public transport.

At a public level most of Victoria is on fire and half of Queensland is under water as it has been for almost a month now. This amounts to a cost far greater than any I have to bear so I’ll keep any more grumblings I may have had to myself and leave you now with some lame snaps.

Love
Aunty Boomer

The neighbours


Family gloating about how many thet had woken

Not bad for a Brownie Box eh

Tasmania

After spending two roasting days and nights in Melbourne it was good to head across Bass Strait on Friday Jan 30th, with the temperature much more comfortable when we arrived in Devonport. Spent the first two days at Latrobe and visited the sights in the local area including acres of poppy fields. They are really protective of their "flowers" here !!

Drove down the middle towards Hobart as we had arranged to meet friends who were flying in for the wooden boats festival there. Stayed two nights in historic Richmond and then found a nice park at Seven Mile Beach 20 klm from Hobart where we have spent the last week. We have spent some tome at the Hobart waterfront watching the boats and doing the Salamanca markets.

Lynne & Roger took us out on the Derwent today on their 32 foot Riviera which was very posh.

Sue and Oly are welll and we are really enjoying the cool nights under the doona and we've been wearing a jumper with our shorts for the first time since the UK !!

Attached a few photos of the sights so far.

Hope you had a good family day at the Warren View without us. love, Sue Chris & Olly.

What about this Weather

Ok Cherubs,

I know its cold over there but at least its pretty and you get a day off work when the so called grown ups don’t show. Everything’s heated and if it’s not then put on more clothes, buy a fur, new boots, that doesn’t sound so bad. Here its just hot and the heat shimmer off the parking lot is not pretty, believe me. There’s a limit to the amount of clothing you can take off, O sure , apron free days sound lovely but you’ve still got to wear the scratchy pilled indestructible rayon polo shirt which absorbs nothing and least it did has thick plastic paint logo emblazoned thirty centimetre square across the back. No option to buy your own cotton version and no escape from the leather covered shoes. Add to this our un-ventilated warehouse style cathedral of commerce, never intended for human occupation, an unending stream of sheep clutching handfuls of Rudd Dollars and complaining “hot in here isn’t it” never hearing the obvious “leave, go to the pool, pub, home” reply, stifled in our throats by the expectation of our happy friendly helpful team natures.

Three weeks into continuous upper twenties to low thirties days doesn’t sound so bad till you take into account that the nights are mostly just as hot as the days before and after them. Last weekend I caught the weeks prediction that it would be much the same till Thursday when a change (I sighed with relief) would bring the heatwave from Victoria and South Australia (I gasp with concern) to Sydney, as it did today. This so far accurate prediction warns that temperatures will peak this weekend as we celebrate my family day at the Warren View on Sunday, should be memorable don’t you think? The only positive in all this would have to be that we don’t live in Adelaide. I don’t claim any inside line on conditions in Tasmania but I’m sure the Nomads are well pleased not to be in severely wet far north Queensland.

Well re-reading I realise that my late mother would have been proud of this report, and I think it appropriate to dedicate it here to her memory.

Love you all,

Aunty

Heaviest snowfall in London in 20 years

Hi everyone

No doubt you've heard about the crazy snow we've had across the UK - the worst in London in 18 years!

I was actually stranded at home yesterday thanks to all the buses, trains, tubes being closed due to the snow. So I had my first 'snow day' off work! Felt a bit cheeky but I literally couldn't get to the office. Not my fault! It was crazy.

We had about 6-8 inches in Streatham Common - the most snow I've seen! You couldn't tell where the road started and the footpath began cause the ground was completely white and even. Plus it was lovely fluffy snow too - not like the iccy stuff London usually gets. Here's some pics.

xxx Kel