Readers cramp I'm sure

Dear Readers,

Yesterday was ANZAC day and what a disappointment it must have been for all of those braced for a melancholy remembrance of Grandpa’s stake in The Some, Gallipoli, Kakoda or any other of the reverent battle grounds. In place of traditional wet overcast conditions eminently suited to marching remembering and two-up we were treated to a bright sun filled dawn with a pleasant northerly breeze that turned our brown horizons into a brillante blue that had artists and interior designers rushing to their pallets for a name. A cracker day, along with today its equal, for outdoor entertainments like camping had it been a holiday weekend as usual. Alas the powers saw fit to decline the traditional Monday holiday, at great expense to the RTA, but at least they continued with the one PM opening for business. At least for business of scale like Bunnings that is, Enmore at mid day was once more a thrive with Pharisees not one in slouch hat or rising sun/bayonet badge. I was greeted one PM at Bunnings by a throng that would have served Ticket-Tek proud for a Rolling Stones tour. All amateurs looking for ‘commando’ hooks, (3M Commander adhesive hooks) impossible to imagine a commando use unless they would wish to hang their commando certificate in the tent. One however, who was looking for a ‘tapoleon’, obviously had a problem with his water loo.

My favourite customer was the young woman, heavily pregnant and wearing the tight white jersey top. Her breasts were two large spheres with perfectly centred protuberant points, her belly their mother and spitting image on much grander scale. Helped to make up for a day spent waiting from six AM to go to work at one. “O poor pitiful me”

Enough of this though for I know that all you are interested in is an upgrade prognosis on my health condition and here at the risk of further antagonising Auntie it is. Dr. Gokulan ‘Gok’ Pavendranan Than who never has to worry about mistaken identity in this country is a vital, handsome, urbane professional who speaks English much better than I though with a similar accent and I would not hesitate to invite his contribution into our already admirable gene pool.

When I saw him on Tuesday he was well aware of who I was and remembered my movie, describing with quick sketches the condition of my ulcerated colon and naming the affliction to within a 99% reliability subject only to some, this time well organised, stool sample tests as ‘ulcerative colitis’. Yes it was truly only I who cared about the previous sample and my only hope is that some other did not suffer the consequences of its diagnosis. I don’t mind sharing my vital organs with those in need but draw the line at sharing biopsies.

Gok explained that this affliction ‘common’ he said in ‘western’ cultures (I wish I’d asked him to extrapolate on this statement) was mysteriously caused by an attack from the anti immune system. It seems likely that in my case it was attacking lumbar arthritis and ricochet into the colon. Normally this would be treated orally by pills that attack the anti immune system but these have bad side affects on blood pressure, bone density and other things I stopped listening to. He preferred to treat me with another drug, an enema but it was quite ,well very expensive and unable it seems to voice the number he turned his computer screen my way to reveal a figure of $530 odd and said that that was just for a week. He then started to mumble, unlike the professional I have been endorsing as a potential donor into our own gene pool, about the possibility he could ‘fill a blue script which might entail a saving, nothing certain you understand’ and I didn’t. I left him with the blue script, a handful of specimen jars and requests for lumbar X-rays and blood tests. Back next morning after checking the letter box and on line bank for signs of Kevin’s still absent stimulus I presented stool samples at the hospital for biopsy and the scary blue script to the pharmacist. I thought I should ask how much but was inhibited by the starched white of the pharmacy girl and resolved that at the crunch I could just say ‘gulp’ as they do in the commix. She took my medicare card, (brand new from only the day before, a good sign I thought) and returned with the largest stack of script I’ve ever witnessed. Four boxes big and glossy enough to contain very expensive equipment as indeed they did. (see photos attached) “Just take them to the girl at the till and she’ll fix you up” The girl did her cash register stuff and unlike Dr. Gok announced quite brazenly, “that’ll be thirty two dollars”. My mind could not comprehend, I’d won the Jackpot, $32 for $530 worth, no hold on, the pharmacist said four weeks, that’s $2120, It’s really a lotto. O god bless Dr. Gok, Medicare, and all you benevolent tax payers.

The bottle is wine and is not to be used as an ennema. Its there for scale

Nice expensive packaging what

Now if you’re eating or of a sensitive nature be warned as I find the topic of enemas and their application and results far too interesting to ignore. The first and still most interesting thing is the unerring accuracy which with they can be placed, in a place I’ve never seen, flying blind you could say. Next the machinations of applications which are so prettily illustrated in the enclosed pamphlet (see photo). In keeping with the glossy presentation of this expensive product the model is of the same type that BMW and Mercedes Benz like to drape their expensive wares at motor shows. A nice touch don’t you think. I award five stars for the industrial design as I’m sure you would also now that you have studied the photos. It seems a shame to throw out the used sachets for which I continue to grope for further applications. The closest Alice and I shall pass to the third world on our Grande Tour will be Bangkok, perhaps there are still some there who would relish and treasure them. Yes I agree that’s enough but before I leave it, allow me the defence, that rarely in my life have I acquired goods to a value over two thousand dollars in one transaction so to me this has a sort of landmark feel.
Who wouldn't be upbeat about this

Now best of all to the results which have been positive from the very first application. Visits have reduced to an average three a day, I can confidently stand to take a leak and though my stool had not returned to a solid floater it is beginning to take the appearance of something that might be the result of a heavy night on the boose and isn’t that normal. Hallelujah a name and a cure all in one week.

I could continue but I see that reading paralysis has set in for most of you so I shall just wish you still reading, well.

R

Everybody needs good neighbours