what the bunny hears

In anticipation of Fridays scheduled inspection by the big wigs, rather like that of the school inspector (I would not have been surprised if they had lined us up in marching order and had us rehearse ‘good morning Mr. Bigwig sir’) a whole village worth of Chinese, no doubt displaced by the recent earthquake, descended on us with feather dusters to clean every shelf, pallet and cardboard container in sight. The resultant pall would, had it not been contained by the building, have closed Mascot Airport. All very well for the cleaners, they have already developed immunities to Bunnings imported Chinese dust, but disastrous for this soul whose dry tickle cough was pushed over the edge into a full blown, fluorescent green mucous bearing, heavy head cold.

I knew they, the Chinese, were ‘internationally trafficked dust slaves’ as soon as I saw their PLA overseer who had those snake head eyes that can stare intimidatingly in all directions at once. This was later confirmed when at the end of the day I noticed the smaller bolt cutters we use to cut chain was missing and I remembered the poor fellow who had developed the stiff legged gait. I put two and two (one and one actually) together and recognised that he would obviously be leading a Hogan’s Heroes like mass breakout later that night. I kept mum of course; you know where my sympathies lie. Had I been questioned I knew to use Schultze’s “I know nothing” defence.

Then on Friday itself, The Wigs, aware that having put the fear of public cooperate failure into management, decided to forego the pleasure of touring another Bunning’s Warehouse (yes I know many think there is no more pleasurable experience but these guys have seen a lot of them) stood them up and opted instead for the long breakfast, spa, massage and long lunch at their five star airport hotel.

All about Bunning’s offices and attached to all PDT’s (personal data terminals maybe, I’m just not good at jargon, I keep calling us staff or employees when of course we are team members and bosses are coordinators) are notices to Rep’s to check all ordered stock with management and all over the warehouse are racks of missing or depleted stock. I wouldn’t notice or mind so much except that I’m bailed up daily by irate customers who tell me that there were none of these three weeks ago and someone told me that it would be in within the week and had promised to call and put stock aside for me as soon as, and often I recognise these as my own promises. Will they be able to accept that there are other priorities greater than the completion of there projects? That as we approach the end of the financial year for which quotas have been set with bonuses attached, it is easier to save monies by postponing purchases and than to purchase and hope to sell in time?

I thought it was this simple till late on Wednesday evening a well dressed gentleman gazing at an empty rack of door furniture labels he recognised from the previous week decided to share this conspiracy theory with me. He pointed out that Bunnings with its now massive coverage of the retail hardware market in Australia is responsible for the largest portion of the sales of small Australian companies like Lockwood, Dulux and Gainsborough, the afore mentioned empty rack. Bunnings parent Westfarmers, has just taken over Coles with all its children, Liquor Land, K-Mart and Office Works and needs a boost to cash flow to feed their squawking faces. Well here’s an idea, let’s put all those small manufacturers who owe us for half or more of their market place on 120 days. Yes let’s not pay for stock for a third of a year, a massive windfall for Bunnings parent to patch the cracks in their takeover deal. What’s Gainsborough going to do, find another market for 70+% of their product or go to their bank to borrow bridging funds, and by default finance Westfarmers takeover?

“No” I said “I’m the equal of any cynic but that’s too cynical for me” Well I guess I lost my crown and will have to go back for cynic refresher courses for as I dwell on it, it only becomes more believable.

Well that ought to be enough to get me fired or promoted? Thank god no one reads this stuff.