Passport Blues

You may dismiss it as sour grapes but I see it as my representation of your cause. You who unlike me are time poor will surely agree that $232.00 is too much to pay to renew a passport which in my particular case had served no purpose at all as I had never travelled on it nor been asked for proof of age. Presumably this last passport, now mutilated by the local postmaster if that’s what I’m supposed to call this high street store operator, cost me a similarly exorbitant amount ten years ago. You’d think it possible to get a trade in and a very good one for mine which was in mint condition with no miles on the clock but no and in its present condition it would probably be rejected even by some New Guinea highlander who’d never seen paper and who if he only knew better could probably record therein a lifetime of taro crop yield.

The document itself costs $200.00 and I suppose I should be gratefull that its issue is not yet in the hands of private enterprise where it would have cost $199.99. The rest of the cost was taken up by the photography which must be very precise and it is here that my experience will be invaluable to you. For $10.00 the Marrickville Metro DIY photo booth professes to offer a set of four passport compliant photos. Only two are required but as we all know that it is fruitless to argue or bargain with a machine. Following the automated voice I centred my face in the oval and the first shot cut off my head from the eye brows up but I was offered another chance and lowered the stool till the centere of my face was a point between my eyes. Half my forehead appeared in this shot and I was offered another but warned it would be my last. With the new centre of my head mid forehead I got one more shot and was offered a choice of the three as a print. All shots unsatisfactory I foolishly imagined I now was master of this machine and invested another ten dollars. Five minutes later I left with eight photos, some quite glamorous I thought though none unfortunately with a full head of hair.

Undeterred I approached my ‘postmaster’ who had earlier that day reasonably informed me that passport renewals would be dealt with between two and four thirty daily. Inspecting my best photos he was sceptical, showed them to the ‘postmistress’ who was quite negative and then proceeded to fumble in a box producing a department of foreign affairs pamphlet with photos much better than mine all of which were absolutely unacceptable. “So” I said, “where do I go” “To the chemist” he said indicating the premises next door. “Oh silly me” I said. Next door the Chemaster for only $12.00 produced four perfect snaps in one simple shot from which the Postmaster was able to select the best two (?). Worn down by now I didn’t argue about the other two non necessary photos or suggest a six dollar discount, I was really quite happy to escape to the Duke for one of their flagon size glasses of house Cabernet.

Now more relaxed and studding my new collection of portraits I can see their point. The photo booth shot on the right doesn’t look anything like the real criminal in the chemasters shot. By the way, any of you out there who would like your very own autographed snap just let me know but at only $2.50 each I wouldn’t dally, there’s only ten.