THE BUGLE all the good news

Here for all you fans, the much anticipated September edition of the Bugle, enjoy.

In accord with Bunnings policy which states that no one member is any more important than any other, and in an environment which though not operating 24/7 is open for 65% of that, 110 hours a week, well beyond the 38 hour week they are willing to pay for, duplication is not uncommon. Duplication occurred this week in the form of a massive double (possibly quadruple) order for what for the want of a better title I shall call concrete products.

Concrete products which once consisted of Cement and Lime bagged, sand and aggregate loose, are now marketed in all manner of handy packages. As well as cement which we have in trade and domestic packs (a distinction I can’t explain) and lime, we have numerous products to which water is the only missing ingredient. Concrete mix, Sands and cement mix, mortar mix, render mix, quick set concrete mix (could be useful) quick set mortar mix (can’t imagine a use, maybe brickies on ice). To these add the specialty products such as Plaster Master, levelers and non shrink grouts (don’t worry if you don’t know what these are, your lack of knowledge probably means you are one of the lucky folk who will never need to use them) and more that even I don’t understand. All are packaged in handy 20K paper bags that must be kept away from their final ingredient, water, and owing to their irritating propensity to leak noxious fine particles, outdoors. The extended roof cantilever on the back wall, which in a more humane building would be called a verandah is the only home for these products and they must share this nest with fiber cement sheet – used to be known as fibro but now deprived of its carcinogenic asbestos fibers – particle board flooring known as yellow or red tongue and anything else that someone might shove there in empathy for its propensity to corruption under inclement weather conditions.

This double order of so many products has resulted in what I call The Great Wall of Concrete Product and I would be little surprised to find buried therein the remains of Chinese 457 visa holders who had the temerity to complain about the conditions of their slavery. This wall virtually precludes anyone entering the yard let alone purchasing or taking delivery of products. Normally such oversupplies of product are handled by promotion and display teams who spread them through the store on clip strips, those annoying hanging strips that snag your trolley at the supermarket, or side stax, even more annoying obstacles set up in stacks in what should be trolley isle space. Neither of these options lend themselves easily to 20K bags of noxious dust.

In true team sprit I have suggested a number of promotions along the lines of: Giving away twenty bags of concrete mix with every purchase of a power garden tool, judiciously used they could considerably reduce the gardening burden. Giving your choice of a bag of; concrete mix, sand and cement, mortar or render with every twenty five dollar or more purchase thus adding a satisfying weight to your trolley. I’m still waiting to hear from head office.

Aaah marketing! There’s most of an isle devoted to screws, “Isle three Sir, right hand side from the third bay”. Roofing screws, self drilling screws for timber and steel, tek screws, chipboard screws, self tapping screws, plasterboard screws, type 17 screws?, steel screws, wood screws?, and what? All purpose screws, look a lot like all those others don’t they, could this be an attempt to introduce some honesty into marketing or is it just another category when we seem to have exhausted all else? Recently a customer asked in all seriousness whether the Leichhardt in Lockwood’s Elite range of passage locks, was restricted for use only in that suburb. His accent betrayed him as a likely recent arrival from Eastern Europe which could excuse his lack of nous when confronted with the marketer’s stock in trade.

It can be very difficult to explain to customers, especially those with remnant Euro accents who like explanations, the difference between one passage set at $18.99 which looks just like another at $48.99, without going to my fallback position that the marketers know that some customers want the most expensive whilst others like the cheapest and pleasing the customer is uppermost in a marketer’s job description. Needless to say this is not the answer they are looking for but it’s proved disarming enough in most cases to give me time to escape and escape is the name of the game.

At a recent team briefing the question was asked “what is the safety issue of the week” and whilst inspired by my lust for Freddos I tossed up whether to put forward the lack of proper ventilation which was seeing staff and customers freely passing a virulent flu which was decimating staff levels, or the potential for the spread of typhoid and dysentery from the disgustingly inadequate gents toilet, I was gassumped by another staff member who correctly identified “failure to lock ladders” as the excessively freddo rewarded, sought answer which I thought could have been a safety issue in its own right. This led me to cogitation on the significance of the letter H in the acronym OH&S. It also led me to this comprehensive critique of The Gents at Bunnings.

On weekends with up to sixty staff and maybe three thousand customers a day this three bail and two man -for once I can confidently say that- urinal, toilet is seriously stressed and it shows. You’re never alone in this room. Those wanting to have a leak only are forced into the bales where the seats will not stay up unassisted and thus pee stained when confronted by those with more serious business, is it any wonder that perilous squatting becomes the preferred stance and broken seats the end result. Last Saturday someone who was exceptionally bold or who had very loyal friends/family actually left a perfectly formed turd in the middle of the urinal where, aided by our ecologically sound water free system it lasted intact for the rest of the day. Now maybe I’m being a little too sensitive here but I’ve traveled in Asia, economy class, and some years ago now, and I don’t recall conditions as deplorable as this.

Having dealt with the logistics lets take a look at the décor. Faced with an ongoing campaign by some disgruntled team member to defame, in texta on toilet grey cubicle walls, another member as a pedophile, some clever bod came up with the idea of painting out toilet grey with Bunnings green murk. Good idea, poor execution. As I’m fond of pointing out you can paint almost anything if you just comply with the instructions on the can. These instructions rarely stray far from the following. “Apply to a clean dry grease free surface. Sand before and between coats” but who needs to know this. The bunnings bog painters could certainly have benefited. Right now it’s possible to lift a corner and peel square feet of plastic paint as satisfactorily as sun burnt skin. Mmmm. Some graffiti would look good here.

I’m sorry about all that, I realize you didn’t need to know but I just had to get it off my chest. Now as I know your dying to know here’s the sore foot report. It’s not yet certain but it’s looking very much like gout for which I blame John and Hugh. Well it’s hereditary you know and if they hadn’t had it I probably would not. Rich food and alcohol, who’s ever heard anything so ridiculous. I may have to edit Wickapedia. Hard work and economic jurisprudence more like it.

Robert Later (it’s bankable)

P.S. just back from the doc, it’s not Gout yet, just encroaching arthritis for which she’s prescribed Naprosyn. Wish me luck.