Its come to my attention that some of you in my audience are daunted by, or do not have the time, to read large blocks of print. For you I have instituted the following star system to assist you in identifying more important sections from the bulk of absolute trash.
***** Essential Reading
**** Humorous and light
*** Controversial if you like that
** Bland and avoidable
* Unreadable
***** Well Kelly’s lightning visit is over and thankfully she has taken with her the bad weather baggage she brought. I think I speak for all you touched, Kell, though not necessarily in their words, when I say you charmed the tits off us. The grey nomads were back in the fast lane and will I’m sure find some consolation for once more having had to farewell their treasure, in returning to their sedentary amblings towards a warmer clime. Olly who was delighted to see Kell probably thinks she’s just gone to the toilet. I am once more having to do my own washing up and would be happy anytime to give you, Chris, Sue, Kell and Olly, my five star house guests reference. I’m completely recovered from last week’s nervous breakdown, drug induced of course, and am beholden to Kell for the stolen wine glass with the engraved standard drink demarcation line. All I need now is one of those abacus like pool scoring boards to replace the clumsy and inevitably unreliable pins in an already cluttered cork board to keep a very accurate count.
***** Enough of this though as I see what you all crave as the end of the financial year looms is the winter edition of The Bunning’s Bugle. Ta! Ta! First the overall trends and it’s gratifying to note that just like me the average Joe Public waits for a disaster before buying a band-aid. No we’re not selling band-aids now that’s just a metaphor thingie. In summer the crowds hung around the fly screen section, well, like flies really, for the last two weeks the weather strip and door seal section has been like Myers on Boxing Day and door snakes have the Indian tailors working their fingers to the bone. I shouldn’t be surprised to see the onset of hostilities between them and the brickies over sand allocations in the very near future. Mascot has turned out to be the ice box co-workers predicted and this winter’s vehemence has taken even them by surprise. Your resourceful correspondent survives however with his arm chair size Japara for protection on out door days, and with his own innovation of the Oates clean dust mop cover, isle 37, adapted now to an extremely effective kidney comforter for those indoor days. Along with a Bunning’s scarf and today’s acquisition of Bunning’s beanie I’m coping pretty well but believe me it’s everyone for himself in this workplace.
*** Acquiring my Bunning’s beanie is a good case study. I had noticed these for sometime but paid them scant attention as I of course had my Akubra. I know I’m preaching to the converted when I say that the Akubra is not indoor wear, nor any other headgear really though modern times have seen beanies, peaked caps and jungle hats, all of which occur as certified Bunning’s regalia, worn anywhere but not the Akubra no never. So it was that this morning noticing my colleague Chris in a beanie I remarked “who did you have to screw to get that?” to which he replied that he had found it behind the trade desk and assumed ownership. Moments later I on observing Andrew in his jaunty new beanie I repeated the same clever question. His response was to reach into his apron and proffer another, albeit last years model of synthetic, much like the Oates dust mop modified kidney protector, henceforth the OMKP, rather than this years wool mix. Never one to look a gift horse in the mouth (that cliché should really be taken out and buried along with this one) I accepted his kind offer which came with the warning “you know what this means?” “The beginning of a relationship with your head lice” I suggested. “Exactly” he replied. Sometime later passing the trade desk sweet Lucy shivering in the draught from the yard asked “how did you get your beanie” and I explained that it all had to do with sexual favors, later still in the staff room Andrew asked how was I enjoying the beanie and had I started to itch yet. I counseled him on the opportunity he had missed with his rash largesse but he unfazed and with a sly smirk replied with the very original “no worries” Later I noticed Lucy looking cozy in her very new looking Bunning’s beanie. So you see that life goes on in its old familiar patterns of graft and patronage but I don’t mind and anyway Lucy and Andrew are somewhat favorites of mine and anything I can do in the way of matchmaking I don’t begrudge.
** Operational wise, if wise is the appropriate word, one of our ex-coordinators who left to become the state OH&S supremo returned to Mascot recently for a triumphant one day safety extravaganza which culminated with Geoff in inwards goods cutting off two of his fingers. What a triumph. The result it’s rumored is another promotion away from OH&S, god help us, to 2 IC at Mascot, corporate genius no less. I’m so tempted to ask her the same question I asked my colleagues Chris and Andrew. I’d best go down to isle 16 and gaffer tape my mouth.
**** I farewelled my German mathematician friend Bernd on Saturday to six weeks leave. He’s off to Germany to show off his newborn to her grandparents and re-acquaint them with their other grandchild. It’s probably just as well he’s getting a break. For some time he has carried a two hundred odd millimeter length of chrome plated metal tubing in his apron pocket unremarkably but when a few weeks ago he found amongst returns a three hundred millimeter d handle which was not our product and thus had no home in our store he adopted it also and now it cohabits in his apron pocket with the tube. Now this was beginning to take the dimensions of an eccentricity and as with eccentricities there was the scope for qualifying adjectives such as harmless, dangerous etc. He spends a lot of time handling his handle in a similar manner to which Rene Rivkin use to handle his worry beads, nothing wrong with that except for the lack of precedence in the case of worry handles. I imagine for instance that whilst worry beads might attract some interest when boarding an airliner, a foot long, chromium plated, half inch metal rod with ninety degree elbows at each end would almost certainly be confiscated and its bearer would probably need some very convincing rationale to ever get it back and I don’t think the worry handle explanation would make the cut. As it stands Bernd has offered no rationale despite my persistent enquiries though he has assured me he has no intention of taking it with him to Germany.
** With the end of the financial year looming Management was forced by our workplace agreement to pay out our banked hours placing pressure on budget quotas. To save money the cancelled all casual employment much of which is night fill so sales staff are stacking shelves and fork lifts that cant operate in the store in opening hours are leaving isles and inwards dock areas clogged so that deliveries are disrupted but of course I’m wasting my breath, you saw all this in the adds during the football. It all matters little to Dr. Who at the gate as long as he keeps his ears plugged tight to the complaints of disgruntled delivery drivers who have the most interesting ideas on how to run the store but remain incapable of putting them in writing.
*I could go on just in case there’s anyone out there with a surplus of time and still awake but perhaps Ill just stop here and publish. Seems like as good a spot as any. If anyone really craves more just let me know and Ill do a few more chapters just for you.
Goodnight
Robert
*P.S. I’m totally gobsmacked at Mr. Words’ spellcher’s total acceptance of the name Bernd, which I have never previously experienced, whilst Kell, Olly, Akubra, thingie, Japara, Rivkin and the like are on the nose.
