HERE I AM KELL

Mmmm! It’s very dark in here, let’s try this light, nothing! But wait on, seeing it in this good light, they say no news is good news so I guess there’s lots of good news. Let me see now, what’s my good news? Mmmm
I’m in good health just as I’d thought though I now have professional confirmation. I’ve recently had a comprehensive array of medical tests which have turned up little more than low levels of vitamin D, the vitamin that comes courtesy of sunlight and, eggs if Alice is to be believed. Ironic considering that it has been self inflicted on the advice of the same medical profession who encouraged me, too late to save much of my damaged skin, to stay out of the sun, advice that I had recently observed so scrupulously as to have eliminated all color variation bar freckling and rashes from my body, ie. no high water marks. Now, as I hear you all saying how you so badly needed to know that, I’ll move away from health and see what other embarrassing good news I have.
My little car continues to perform well and is showing every sign of a good return on my seven hundred dollar investment, more than I can say for my Telstra T1 shares which don’t seem to be taking me anywhere. Not like my friend Walter’s NRMA freebies which appear to have matured into a $5000 windfall that he didn’t even have to buy. Now that may sound like a whinge from me but for Walter it’s good news.
With a little fine tuning in the shoes and underwear departments I continue to improve my capacity to cope with my shifts at Bunnings. Whilst I have the physical side of the four straight ten hour shifts pretty much in hand, on the mental side, details of the second half of the week still tend to become a little blurry. Hope the situation never arises where I have to be interrogated about anything specific during this time, like what color frock was the alleged thief wearing. On the light side I’m beginning to get to know my immediate team mates: Mahesh; mid 50s, Aussie born of Indian origin, been in retail hardware all life. Chris; 50s, ex chippie, double hernia, AKA Don Burke. Berne; looks like Andy Warhol, early forties, German, mathematician, doing Dip. Ed., will leave B’s and teach next year. Lucasz; 26, Israeli I think, jeweler, teacher, mortgage, no kids yet. Raj; 50s, Indian origin, been here a long time. Meghan; Aussie, late 30s, four kids, my favorite so far. Kerry; Aussie, Mt. Druitt, 40s looks 80s, has leg deformity or backyard bone set.
These folk work in the same immediate subsection as I called “Builders hardware” unless you call it that and are told “oh shelf hardware” which if you call it that are told you mean builders hardware just to be sure there’s no confusion. On the light side each day brings a customer or two who provide humor or at least food for thought. There have been a number of engineering and design students from various educational institutions who have in varying degrees presented me with their projects. The best of these was the girl who was researching on behalf of her team, how to make an approx. 400mm3 self propelling, self lifting and braking scissor lift. It had to lift a half kilogram bag of rice, come in under one hundred and fifty dollars, and be as light as possible. I found out all this slowly over the approximately five hours she spent at B’s during which she spent at least two hours under my expert tutelage. I was able to lecture a privileged Chinese design student on the engineering properties of MDF board. He returned on a subsequent day and reported that my advice had been very helpful, how many of you professors out there get that sort of feed back, and I’m not even marking him.
Another customer wanted something to keep birds out of his house, you thought you had a problem with your cockroaches and mice didn’t you, I was able to recommend the multi colored plastic strip door curtain (we have them) to keep out the flying rats.
An Iranian bloke wanted a special door locking mechanism. He was there with his daughter who looked just like any sixteen year old teenager except that she would not look in my direction. Turns out he wanted steel plates that could be screwed on to the edge of a door and the door jamb with protruding rings that a padlock could be put through. He proceeded to babble something about how he was going overseas and his daughter needed special protection from her brother’s mates. I might suggest to Bunnings that they get in a range of chastity belts.
I’m not too confident that I’m making a good impression with those I need to impress at Bunnings I’ve been told more than once to keep my hands out of my pockets – that’s OK, I know, should have learnt it at school, they told me often enough, but that apron has so many pockets not to mention the bib which is so inviting to a pair of hands looking for somewhere to go, I can strike poses just like the butcher use to in the old days - when there were butchers. I’ve been told not to slouch against stacks and stands, and I’ve been told when on sentry duty at the back gate, checking dockets and entering numbers on the sheets on my clip board, that I should stay on my feet and not lounge on that comfy swivel chair in the little sentry box. These things I can work on but no matter how much I sit on my hands and bite my tongue I sense these guys can see I have a bad attitude and like most old dogs will not be able to learn their new tricks, so don’t go looking for my name in the company prospectus any time in the near future.
Speaking of company prospectus these guys pay just north of the poverty line and point zerofive of a percent rise in the CPI (which I think happened yesterday) will take them south so lucky for you John that you no longer have shares in Westfarmers or you’d be owing me big time, and any shareholder out there had better watch out that I don’t find out.
That’s it isn’t it? Bunnings are gonna find this blog and It’ll be bye- bye Robert, I read where it happened to this girl in England, stands to reason, be lucky if I’m not sued for defamation, they’ll seize my assets, the car, no not the bike, nooo…
Phew! Rush of blood or something, I’m alright now, Wonder did that doc get all those tests right, I read a lot about these charlatan doctors, I’ll ask to see her badge next time.
Anyway back to the topic Good News wasn’t it. Alice is good news. Alice is the next big thing in radio journalism now that Walters brother in law’s brother in law (have to clear that with John) Chris Masters has chased that Alan (the second coming according to John Brennan 2GB program director) Jones out of town. Her inspirational articles for Voyer and Weight Watchers magazines are the talk of the town. She’s also the family’s writer of choice for business proposals or any other positive spin that may be required. I’m thinking of getting her to present my case to Bunnings if I can ever save enough to afford her. Jack is good news, his new CD has hit the living room and he has started his nation wide promotional tour with gigs at The Cat and Fiddle and The Harp that have left audiences breathless and clamoring for more. I’m especially good and have Prime Minister John Howard’s nomination to be the next Attorney General to the Solomon Islands, I believe our Johny’s endorsement carries a lot of clout over there. It’s a bit of a risky job but it can certainly be done, in fact it’s preferably done with hands in pockets, someone’s pockets.
You know what’s troubling me now is I can’t think of any more good news and even when I think of good news it keeps on straggling into bad news or if not bad news at least not so good news. I mean I could say it was a beautiful day today, good news but it might be hot or cold tomorrow straggles into bad news but hold on that’s not the news it’s the weather isn’t it? Spending too much time with mum.
Better go and post now for if I re-read this sober I’ll probably delete it all
Robert