Okeefereport: Travell tales um 8

Thank you Kell, for publishing this evidence that one is much better off drinking beer, not red wine, and keeping ones mouth closed when wasted on the town with nieces and other prospective kin much younger and firmer than oneself. It can take years for some to have even the slightest insight and so it is that upon viewing recently, so many mouth gaping shots of myself, I am reminded of the comment made by Br. ‘custard guts’ Conrad, one sports day at Marist Bros. Lismore, that he thought I might have swallowed the ball as I braced to catch it, and advised that sometimes it was better to keep ones mouth shut. I suppose now would be a good time to take such advice but you know too well that I wont.

After two rail trips and with two important Italian cities conquered we set forth cockily by Italian Rail via Rome, Naples and Salerno for Amalfi. At ease now with beggars in their perfect beggar dress and ready to counter any ‘are we there yet’ queries from fellow travellers we felt quiet professional. Of course we were fooled by the strapping Italian lad who would in another time have made a fortune or at the least a Ford ‘Customline’ working the banana plantations in Lismore. Obviously anxious to get home to his sweetheart he proceeded to the door still fifteen minutes short of Salerno followed by us and the rest of the carriage of backpackers.

In Salerno our newfound professional demeanour was destroyed when we encountered the never to be conquered Amalfi Bus network. As we milled with many kindred spirits in the square outside the railway asking the same questions of one another and consulting Lonely Planet Guides, a bus arrived that was certainly going our way, yes in only a few minutes, no tickets must be bought from in the station terminal. I took charge, sent Alice for the tickets, loaded the luggage, assuring her that I would die before letting it leave without us and it worked, at least for us, there were definitely others who failed this challenge.

Eventually at Amalfi we succumbed to a cab which delivered us accurately for the last half mile of this trip for only 12Euros, standard fee we were assured. We had already paid for this trip if we had only known where it ended, as part of our 2Euro ticket from Sorrento. Ah se-la- vie for we are here to enjoy, not fret over minor charges.

The Hotel La Ninfa hung off the limestone cliff face like all other buildings in this area. Even more extraordinary our room seemed to hang off La Ninfa approached only by a extremely narrow spiral staircase. I presume they asked the appropriate OH&S questions when Alice booked. The concierge was a garrulous young gentleman not at all unlike myself poor chap, and shared my passion for bracers as he informed us at our first meeting. By our next meeting about twenty minutes later he was sporting and flaunting them while his girlfriend who had just discovered she had important business elsewhere was leaving with her hand barely hiding a large smirk.

Amalfi was the best and worst place we visited. The scenery was spectacular. The transport was deplorable. The food was impeccable. The venue was always closed. On our first evening we had the best pizza I had ever experienced at a nearby bus stop bar and pizzeria. Gazing out across the Mederteranian toward Sicily if we could have seen that far. We never realised that this was our once in a lifetime experience. Subsequent visits always found it closed or open but without food etc. At the bus stop right in front of our hotel we could always find a bus downhill to town. As I recollect we only ever once managed to catch a bus back, yes up, to our hotel.

On our first outing into the town we resolved once more to do washing. The nice girl at the tourist information office offered directions but for the life of us we could not find it. Eventually we asked a shop girl who said “yes its here, right next door” but as the note on the door explained it was closed for the week. Then it rained, no it poured and stopped and poured again and we were drenched and Alice in flimsy was particularly drenched, enough for some foreign woman to proclaim hysterically in a language that we hoped was as foreign to all as it was to us. This was the one and only miraculous time we were able to catch a bus – back – up, but how fortunate was that, with all that unwashed laundry, which was now not only dirty but wet.

Don’t get me wrong, Amalfi was one of the most pleasurable places we visited and once we gave up on catching busses home we were never more plagued by their timetables - if they had them. The food was the best I’ve ever eaten. The wine accessible, abundant and always available. The view whether out to sea or into land was astonishing and the natives were friendly even, when we drunkenly departed the bar, as you do, without paying.

The fountain girl has plastic breast extensions