China warning II

Whilst I dwell in this warning mode I should update a few China warnings. It was comforting to read that a year out they have started to breed pigs without resorting to antibiotics or growth hormones so that athletes can sample the delights of suckling pig and crackling without compromising their next drug test. Of course it will no doubt be difficult for competitors and other health minded participants to know if the pig their eating is drug free once cooking has removed the pink stamps on flesh that identify it as having been properly tested and certified. Perhaps they can perfect a fluorescent cooking proof ink or even better a radioactive dye over which waiters could pass a Geiger counter as proof. In the mean time I would be sticking to the leaner versions of these delights even though lean suckling pig could look like a contradiction in terms.

Building practices in China are still in the developmental stages as is evidenced by the recent collapse of a chocolate block design bridge. This perfectly valid design experiment which economically does away with expensive steel should have gone through more extensive testing using rats – yes I’m well of the “you have to feed rats” argument – before releasing it into the public sphere. If you’re visiting China for the Olympics or any other reason I recommend great caution when entering any structure over two stories tall especially stadiums designed to simulate birds nests, do not cross bridges unless ample quantities of steel are prominently displayed and don’t even get me started on the risks entailed in attempting to wade or swim across toxic bloomi’n, flash floodi’n waterways.

If you or your loved ones, like me, are prone to gnaw on bead heads, chair backs and the like, when decamped in foreign hostelries, be sure to ask your host to show you his most recent lead base paint inspection report. It’s also advisable to check that blankets are not branded Sheridan though of course this is not conclusive and as of my last reading scientists are still working on a pocket Sheridan-like blanket detector which can be transported easily under recent airline security procedures.

Air pollution, not usually one of my a-list beefs, appears to have hit home in Beging. Banning every second car from the roads is their most recent attempt to deal with this but shutting down “Made in China P/L” has not yet been considered thank Confucius: we need those plasma screens today. Concerns about this problem were raised when someone identified the problem people were having being able to see one hundred meters ahead and the impact that this could have on track and field events. Swimmers are contained in a pool but out there on the track there’s no knowing what could happen. Ughh! Where did that javelin come from.

In light of these and previously mentioned warnings I’m not at all surprised to note that many of the more ambitious nations are shuttling their athletes accompanied by their own food, blankets and bead heads, in and out for events only. This sounds sensible if you can afford it but it does raise other problems such as jet lag. In the past athletes always had to acclimatize now they will have to jet lagise. Enterprising aviators - see Sir Richard Branson – have proposed converting some of these new “very big planes” into flying gym/accommodations with a grantee to be lead paint and Sheridan blanket free. A year out we can only wonder what’s next.