Good or bad? Friday

Put yourself in my shoes. It’s Thursday night before Good Friday, what to do and who named it that and what did they mean?- good to have the day off tomorrow that’s for sure, yes its even brought the invincible Bunnings to its knees, and in terms of good and evil, that’s good. Yes in the face of the global warming catastrophe it’s easy to see Bunnings as evil, the devil incarnate. I see no energy saving procedures in my workplace unless you take into account the slack management and staff saving their own energy. No I stand corrected, the urinal (Mm good word) in the gents (naturally) toilet - serving the fifty odd male staff and the five hundred to five thousand also male customers give or take depending on the whatever; day, special, holiday I dunno - originally with cistern and flush has been converted to the “eco” waterless variety and how easy was that. Just turn off the water and throw some lumps of “green” chemical in. Oh it works a treat as long as you don’t need to breathe or look as you piss in this toilet where even on the quietest day your never alone.

I’ll digress here if I may, and who’s gonna stop me, to reflect on the word “green” which in political and environmental terms is always positive/good whilst in chemical/ little men from mars terms is well on its way to evil where it eventually finds itself in the vomit/decay of the horror movie. Just another eloquent example of the duality of our nature I guess.

Back to Bunnings, who’s satanic parent Westfarmers is busily bidding for Coles / K-Mart / Target / Officeworks, the reports of which wherein I see nothing about those good-green values, no nothing but the bid and the bottom line. Does anyone ever expect to see a takeover bid which includes Macquarie promise to run Qantas on solar and wind generated power. It’s hard to imagine an industry better placed to take advantage, up above the clouds in the roaring forties and all. But don’t hold your breath unless your trying to save oxygen.

It’s not my wish to sound all high and mighty, lord knows my main concern, like that of the rest of Bunnings employees, is will staff discount apply at Coles, K Mart etc. I’ve made no effort to adjust to a low methane diet. I still drive my three cylinders to work when I could just as easily ride. I have not made any headway in my bid to curb my addiction to power hungry computers and amplified Beatles and I can’t yet make the break from my comfortable flat to a cave at Maroubra where I may not be able to get broardband service but at least I’m looking at options and I don’t think they are.

The governments interested in nothing other than winning elections, feathering their nests and getting staff discounts so don’t rely on them. The only hope we have seems to reside in the market place and for my part I’m having a great deal of trouble understanding how this trade-your-way-out-of-global-warming thing works. I just read in the paper that it’s a market just like the stock, futures and commodity markets, which isn’t very helpful as I don’t understand how they work either.

Can’t someone describe it in market terms that I can understand, such as the Glebe markets or the P&C boot sale at the local primary school? How can I get some carbon credits and are they a good investment? Do they have a used by date? Can I use them in the Christmas cake instead of raisins? Better still, can I get a carbon credit machine that manufacturers them, or can I grow them? What sort of soil and climatic conditions do they thrive in? Oh I guess that’s the point, isn’t it?

I wouldn’t mind getting into the business the way Easy Being Green has – they give away free light bulbs and shower heads at shopping centres. How hard can it be to give away stuff like that? I reckon I could do it, Coles is on the market – if I could just get a few backers from the top end of town we could make a killing giving away all their stuff. Oh, I know, you’re going to ask ‘How am I going to sell this to those top end guys?’ Well, you’ve go to think outside the square – it’s a new type of marketplace, it’s good for the environment and it works for Easy Being Green.

Now, before you scoff, just repeat any one or more of these twice, in front of the mirror, pretending they’re sound grabs on TV or radio news bulletins, preferably wearing a John Howard or Malcolm Turnbull mask, and I think you’ll be as convinced as always. Or, if not, you’ll at least recognise it as good a rationale as you get from any government or business these days.

Come to think of it, how does it work? Does Easy take our names and addresses, which we must give in exchange for bulbs and heads (still no free lunch), to the Taxation Department, who deduct it from our tax returns? Are the banks in on it? Better keep an eye on my statements for hidden bulb and head fees. Perhaps China Pty Ltd went massively overboard on bulbs and heads and in the ensuing bankruptcy fire sale Harry Triguboff was able to pick up the job lot along with a-quarter-million flat-pack kitchens and a generous tax loss for a clichéd song. Harry passes on the bulbs etc. to Nic Francis, who at his last job was able to secure Harry the development rights for a prestige high rise in heaven. Nic, in form, passes on this largess to us householders, in exchange for our names and addresses, which he passes on to God's web base. Simple. Case closed. Thank you Ms. Marple.